Five Weeks Later

A few days ago, I realized that I hadn't meditated since losing Lily. Been a little busy with this surgery recovery thing.

I closed my eyes and thought about meditating about Lily and she rushed into me. This warm, overwhelming, "where have you been Mama?" rush of unconditional love. If I hadn't been lying down, I would have been knocked down by it. It felt just like it would at bedtime, when Lily would come up onto the bed, rise up on her back feet to hug my neck and head butt my face, multiplied by about one thousand. I couldn't stay there long; it was so powerful.

Lily always was like that with me. Throwing herself at me with love. Debbie experienced some of this when Lily stayed at her house for 5 weeks in the spring. Lily would give Deb body slams during the night, wanting her belly rubbed.

Wow, next time I visit her, I'll go in more prepared.

Peace always, my Lily Belle

I helped Lily pass this evening, gently into the night, here at home. Her cancer was progressing rapidly.

Never again will I feel that soft paw on my leg, asking for food or attention.

Never again will I hear her scratch on her bedroom door, letting me know for the umpteenth time during the day that she wants to be let out.

Never again will I feel her body slam mine at night, as she asks for a belly rub.

Never again will I feel her cold, wet nose on my nose as she rubs my face.

Never again will I feel that rabbit-like fur, warm, and soft, and silky.

Never will I forget her joy with living, and her immense love for me, her one and only person.

My GA Ruby has been watching over Lily since we found out she had cancer, and has greeted her soul into the vastness.

Lily, this was my gift to you. I will keep you forever in my heart, and I will be forever with your soul.

Venita, October 25, 2008

Post on FDMB

I Reached the Mobile Vet

Lily will be euthanized tonight between 8:30 and 9 pm. She's not ready, but it is the best decision I can make given the circumstances.

I love you Lily Belle.

Struggling with a Decision

Today is the day that I was to take Lily for boarding for a week, so that she could be properly medicated while I am away from home for a breast reconstruction surgery.

She has been progressing downward rapidly, and I am concerned about her living her last few days away from me and terrified and not understanding why I have abandoned her. And if the vet has to euthanize her while she is there, I would be devastated that I was not with her to hold her while she passed.

I think I have a vet scheduled for a home euthanasia this evening, but I'm not sure because her answering machine was acting wacky. No message, no beep, just a long silence until that grating BEEP BEEP BEEP sound of a failed connection. I spoke to the vet in person, and this was going to be a "special" visit due to our circumstances, but I was to leave a message with name, phone number, and address.

If Lily is going in for boarding, she has to be there by 1pm. After that, I have made the PTS decision, but then what if the vet doesn't show up or I can't contact her.

Lily was doing better yesterday, even playing with the cat dancer, but this morning is having trouble breathing. There are blood splatters all over from when she sneezes.

Her leaving is inevitable, and under ordinary circumstances, I would wait until she gave me a sign. But these are clearly not ordinary circumstances.

I spoke to Deb last night, and she said she would prefer to remember Lily going out cat dancing.

Me too. I just hope I can get a message through to that vet this morning to confirm that we are on. I am so anxious about what would happen if come Sunday morning Lily is still here and I have no way to board her or euthanize her.

I'm waiting until a decent hour to call the mobile vet to make sure she is coming.

I'm Losing Her

The tumor in her mouth has returned, and it is growing fast. It has covered another tooth. It's not ulcerated, but it is getting red, probably from abrasion with food. I don't see any other tumors or holes in her mouth.

About 3 days ago, she started bleeding from her nose. This was from all the sneezing she was doing. And her eye is getting weepy from the blocked tear duct. I took the first picture 10/21/08.

The second picture is the next day, 10/22/08. It is clear to me that the tumor is getting bigger, and the eye is still weeping.

Now she is not sneezing as much, but is making a raspy noise when she purrs. It also seems that her breaths are deeper; I can see distinct rising and falling in her chest.

She is failing so much faster than I expected. I thought we would have a couple of months. Now I am truly wondering how I can possibly put her to board with the vet for five days starting on Saturday. (I have to leave town for a surgery.) She is semi-feral, and going out of the house terrifies her. Having strangers in the house terrifies her. Do I really want her final days to include being (or totally be) at a place that terrifies her. God, this reminds me of when I got her from the shelter and she clung to me, telling me that she truly did not want to be in that strange place

And just last night, we played with her cat dancer.

Symptoms Starting

Lily has been sneezing alot. Yesterday, her face was sweeling and her nose had a tiny touch of blood. I gave her 2.5mg of prednisone. I have a call into the vet about whether it is right to start medicating her. I am also looking for a local supply outlet for ES Clear. It's a supplement that supposed to slow the growth of cancer in cats.

Fun Things about Lily

Lily can do back flips. I hold her with both hands on her back, and raise her butt a bit, and she plips over onto her feet. She can do high board and low board.

Lily hugs. That's how I first fell in love with her. She crawled out of my arms, up around my neck, and hugged me--a paw on each side and her face buried into my neck. Lily hugs people at the vet's office. They don't realize that she's not loving on them--she's terrified.

Lily's hidden her aminal someplace again, so yesterday I went out to buy the one other toy she will play with. A cat dancer. This isn't a picture of Lily, although it looks like her. It's a stock photo of a cat with a cat dancer.


Lily will haul ass back and forth in the upstairs hallway. She only does it when no one is around. If we are sitting downstairs and hear the kathump-kathump-kathump, we both just smile and shake our heads.